Sex therapists say quality is more important than quantity when it comes to sex.
• The average American couple has sex about once a week.
• However, sex therapists say that focusing on the quality of your sex life and the connection you have with a partner is more important than how often you have sex.
Have you ever wondered if the amount of sex you’re having is normal? It’s completely natural to have insecurities around how much sex you and a partner engage in. But, it’s important to keep in mind each relationship is different, with varying sexual needs.
More sex does not always equal a better relationship. Instead, focusing on the quality of sex, your connection with a partner, and what’s best for your relationship can make your bond stronger.
How often should couples have sex?
There is no right answer for how often you should be having sex — only what feels right for your relationship or sex life.
A 2017 study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior studied the sexual behavior of just over 26,000 people from 1989 to 2014. It found that the average adult has sex 54 times a year, or an average of about once a week.
It also found that, for married couples, the number stayed almost the same — 51 times a year. However, the frequency changed depending on age: 20-somethings reported having sex around 80 times a year, whereas the number drops to 20 for 60-somethings. It’s also important to note that “sex” is a broad term that encompasses many sexual acts. Therefore, definitions can vary from person to person.
Once a week may be the average, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right amount of sex for all relationships. “I’ve worked with couples who would argue that once a week is too much, and others who would say it’s not nearly enough,” says Stefani Goerlich, a licensed master social worker and sex therapist. Each couple determines the amount of sex that’s right for them to have — a number which may change as their relationship continues.
“While there can be ‘too little’ or ‘too much’ sex, it really is subjective and dependent on the couple,” says Christene Lozano, a licensed marriage family and sex addiction therapist. She says some people will still feel satisfied even if they don’t have sex for months. Instead of looking for a non-existent rule about how much sex you should be having, she says to focus on your sexual relationship and what it means to the both of you.
Factors that can impede on a healthy sex life
However, if you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex you and your partner are having, certain factors may be to blame. “Sex is a multi-dimensional experience. Good sex is mental, physical, and emotional,” says Goerlich. Therefore, sex is influenced by one’s mental and physical health.
Examples of outside factors impacting you or your partner’s sex life include:
• Stress — in general or about the relationship
• Changes in the body due to aging and health issues
• Falling into a routine that’s become boring
• Being busy with kids, family, or career
• Not feeling comfortable communicating with each other
• Not feeling seen or heard by your partner
“These different factors can also affect one another,” says Lozano. For example, if your body changes for some reason, you may begin to develop a poor body image. Feeling uncomfortable in your body might lead you to withdraw sexually from a partner.
Habits of Couples Who Have Great Sex
They Define Sex Broadly:
Couples who are sexually satisfied tend to understand that it’s about more than just intercourse. And studies show that they usually get intimate with each other at least weekly. A regular schedule isn’t a prescription for instant bliss. But getting physically close to your partner often can be a sign that you two are in a healthy place.
They Get Educated
Knowledge can equal sexual bliss. Learning more about each other’s physical erotic zones, how much stimulation you need, and what turns you on can take your sex life to new heights.
They Touch
Physical contact is a powerful tool that builds connection and trust. Sex therapists use a technique called sensate focus. It’s an exercise that explores how different kinds of touch make you feel. It also eases the pressure off reaching a sexual “goal” like orgasm or penetration. Practicing sensual touch can help partners get closer and make intimacy more pleasurable.
They Confide in Each Other
Studies show that couples who aren’t honest about what they do and don’t enjoy in the bedroom are more likely to feel dissatisfied. So tell each other if your libido is lagging or you have trouble getting to orgasm. Let your partner know, too, if you feel self-conscious about your body or if anything makes you uncomfortable.
They Use Therapy
Sessions with a certified sex therapist can improve intimacy issues by helping you communicate better, guiding you through touch exercises, and educating you about arousal and desire. If your problems stem from other issues, talk therapy may also benefit your whole relationship.
They Stay Flexible
Sex has no normal. What you like, how often you want it, and how important it is to you is different for everyone. Your libido and priorities can change over time with age, physical health, and the pressures of daily life. Couples who stay curious and flexible about their sex needs tend to feel better about themselves, which in turn paves the way for a more fulfilling sex life.
They Make Time
As you age, your body takes longer to respond to sexual stimulation. Lower testosterone levels in older men can make it harder to get and keep an erection. A drop in estrogen during menopause can lead to dry vagina and slower arousal in women. Try and set aside ample time to enjoy sex with each other.
They Experiment
Could your sex life be stuck in a rut? Try out different positions, moves, touches, and stimulations to bring back the spice. The new techniques also may heighten sensations so that you can climax more often.
They Cater to Their Partners
Research shows that couples who care about satisfying their partner — and who take joy from the other person’s pleasure — are happier in the sack. This might mean having sex more often than you’re used to, doing it at different times than is normal for you, or acting out your partner’s sexual fantasies.
They Seek Gratification
Practice makes perfect: When you do things that increase the feel-good endorphins in your body — from sex, exercise, laughing, making art, or any activity that brings you joy — you build and beef up the response pathway that helps you feel aroused more easily.
They Use Tools
Some people might view using lubrication to ease dryness or propping their position with a pillow during sex as an admission that they need help to turn their partners on. But the opposite is true. The more attentive you are to the comfort of your partner and yourself, the better your experience.
They Work It
It may sound like a mood killer. But researchers at the University of Toronto found that couples who believe that hard work and effort, not finding a soulmate, is the key to a great sex life enjoyed a happier intimate relationship.
How to improve you and your partner’s sex life
Sex should be enjoyable, not something that causes more stress than pleasure. Here are six ways you and your partner can improve the quality of your sex life.
1. Reduce stress
Stress can hinder a happy sex life for you and your partner. Anyone experiencing stress may find a decrease in their libido. For example, a 2013 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found women with high stress had lower levels of genital arousal.
If you notice you or your partner is stressed, talk to each other about it, and find ways to blow off steam. This can include: journaling, meditation, therapy, enjoyable body movement like dancing, or productive physical activities such as folding laundry. On the other hand, some people may use sex to cope with their stress, says Lozano.
2. Explore your sexual self
Lozano suggests practicing introspection, curiosity, and exploring your sexuality and sexual desires to become more familiar with your body. Sexual exploration can mean tackling body image issues or finding what pleases you.
If you’re comfortable, get to know yourself physically and what feels good through masturbation. As you become more comfortable with yourself and what satisfies you, it may be easier to express your sexual desires with a partner.
3. Try something new
If you’ve been with your partner for a long time, it’s easy to assume you know everything about their sexual preferences. Instead, ask them questions like what their best sexual experience was, a time they felt dissatisfied, or what’s something they’ve always wanted to do.
Trying new positions, fantasies, or toys can revitalize your sex life, says Goerlich. She recommends using sites that specify your
4. Begin “foreplay” before you reach the bedroom
Foreplay can be much more than physical touch or sexual acts. The path to great sex begins long before you enter the bedroom. Creating a safe space for your partner, and treating them with kindness, affection, and respect, provides a jumping off point for a deep, meaningful connection during sex.
5. Communicate with each other
If you want to try new things or change your sex life, it all requires open and honest communication. When discussing sex with your partner, Lozano says to keep curiosity, compassion, and vulnerability at the top of mind. Make sure your partner feels heard without judgment and comfortable sharing both their sexual needs and limits.
6. Work to sync your sex drives
Sex drives vary from person to person, making it difficult for couples to find the right balance. That’s why Kamil Lewis, a sex and relationship therapist, suggests scheduling sex and prioritizing your sexual routine. This may mean one partner occasionally has sex slightly more or less often than they would prefer, but considering each other’s needs is key.
It’s important to keep in mind that consent is always necessary to engage in a sexual encounter. If you don’t want to have sex, don’t have sex. And, don’t force a partner to have sex unless they are completely comfortable in doing so.
What are the benefits of sexual intimacy?
Regardless of how much or how little sex you have, it has many health benefits and can be an important part of a healthy relationship.
“Sex allows you to connect with your partner in a profoundly organic way where you are seen and respected, and importantly, feel pleasure and joy,” says Lewis. “Sexual intimacy provides a fulfilling connection that cultivates trust, and trust is significant to any relationship.”
Similar to how the amount of desired sex can vary between partners, the meaning behind the act also varies. “Sex can hold a different meaning, and therefore, a different significance depending on the couple,” says Lozano.
Some benefits of sex may include:
• Allows people to express and experience connection
• Creates a pleasurable, physical feeling
• Strengthens emotional bonds
• Releases dopamine during orgasm, which helps people feel calmer and closer to each other
• May lower your blood pressure
The bottom line
The average adult has sex about once a week, but that doesn’t always mean you should, too. However you choose to be physically intimate with a partner, the where and how often matter much less than the quality of the connection or encounter.
Having sex more often is not a guarantee your relationship will be successful. Instead, focus on the quality of the experience itself. Doing so will likely improve you and your partner’s sexual satisfaction more than if you just increased the amount of sex you have.
Insider/WebMD
